A swirling mess of thoughts - it's messy

Because that's what this place really is, isn't it? The openness of the worldwide web, the illusion that someone may see this, yet without feeling like someone is keeping vigilance over my thoughts.

It should be a good thing. That I have people caring about me and my thoughts. That people want to know that I'm okay. Yet knowing that she reads my blog just completely turned me off from writing there. It was supposed to be a safe space for me to pour out the darkest and most ridiculous thoughts without being... Made to explain myself, without being asked if I'm okay. I don't know why I don't want her to know. It always ends in a fight, in her lamenting how her life was so bad and how she tried her best so it's not her fault. I've never said it was. Yet my sister and I both hurt from the childhood fate bestowed upon us. 

Maybe, as much as I think she needs to let go, I do too? I don't know. All I can understand is that I'm not happy with the current arrangements of life. I'm not happy. I don't like it. I don't want it. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't understand why small phrases like "You should have always been by my side" trigger me so much. I hate that phrase. I hate it so much. I get it. You want to keep me by your skirt hems. You wanted to whisk me away with you.

... Where to? There was nowhere to go.

You want me to always be with you because you love me. But I didn't go with you. And I get it. You feel like you missed out on major aspects of our life. What could we do? What could have been done?

I'm going in circles with these thoughts. There's no end to them, no conclusion. I just know that I need to live by your rules, by your standards. In a sense, be accountable to you. And they're all for my own good, I get it. Because I'm a blur idiot who's ripe for taking advantage. 

I don't get it. It should be a comfortable space. It should be relaxing. How can I feel relaxed and stressed out at the same time? How can I feel so at home and so... Placeless at the same time?

My thoughts are in a mess. And I don't know what else to do other than push it back to the depths of my mind and plaster on a contented face before I reach home.

Until I resolve all these ... I don't think I'll be able to feel the warmth from people again.