Back down the hole of hell

As usual, my title exaggerates.

And writing here is quite likely to make me feel worse. But I need to try and deal with it, so here goes. 

Our texting habits just don't match. Some days, I'm fine. Some days, I feel annoyed that he doesn't even acknowledge the text, then start thinking things like, oh he doesn't care enough to even respond to me. 

Some days, like today, he doesn't ask or bother with how my day is going. And I get it, if I wanted to speak to him, or tell him, all I needed to do is send the first text. Nothing so hard about that, right?

But there comes a point where it feels like I'm always the one sending the first text. I'm the only one who cares about his day. I'm always the first one to speak to him.

I'm the only one who thinks and misses him. 

And I'm feeling a little sick and tired of it. 

This isn't a reflection of our real interactions, or his feelings towards me, hell no. 

But... I can't help but feel that I'm just not important enough for him. Why do I even bother putting in this much effort when he doesn't? Why should I? Pouring in this much emotion like this and receiving none back feels like shit.

Yet, it's not like I'm receiving nothing. He's wonderful to me in person. He really loves and cares for me, genuinely so. 

But days like this... It feels... Like he's coming to me when he needs me and going when he doesn't? Which isn't fair. He was there for me earlier today when I needed to talk.

I'm just asking for too much. 

So I'm going to adjust expectations. 

I'll never send the first text unless I really need him. 

After all, we experience life like a dream - alone. And that's what I need to learn to be.