Thinking at night is...

夜に色々なことを考えるのはちょっと悪いな。

All the bad thoughts come out. All the toxic thoughts emerge. 

Tonight's episode is brought to you by my drawing insecurity!

I had a wonderful day with J. A nice run where he was so patient with my excruciatingly slow pace, a nice lunch that he cooked for me, a lil' nap, some mix brownie baking... It was a wonderful day. I'm glad to have spent it with him.

Then came nighttime. I drew something that crossed my mind earlier today, altho not quite how I wanted it, I was pretty happy with the results. 

I showed it to him, and... I suppose there was lesser reaction to it, albeit some. I mean, I'm probably being greedy and unreasonable. It's probably just me being insecure and unreasonable. 

I don't like feeling like this. 

And I think it's a totally different matter from above. 

You know, I think I realised something quite a while back, but never really put into words. But I think I'll attempt today. 

I love hugging people. Friends, family, J. I love giving hugs. There's a certain warmth in a hug that just makes the world feel a little nicer. 

I miss that warmth. That... It's almost like a glow. A little light of happiness from a hug. I miss that. 

I don't feel it anymore. I can't find it. I hug people, but I don't feel the glow. I can't find it, and I don't know where to go for it. 

I feel like it makes me feel emptier and lonelier. It feels like there's no one around. Like it's just me and my thoughts. 

Maybe I'm lacking extra effort in my maintenance of friendships. Maybe that's it. That's why I fall into love and relationships so quickly and easily, because they fulfill my desire for immense love, affection and attention. For that warmth and glow. 

I should go to bed.