Year 4, Sem 1, Week 1.
Heyho.
So starts the last year of university life. And what a start it is.
I messed things up so badly. I did so many wrong things. I hurt people close to me.
Putting rights aside, as in, 'the right to feel this way', my mind went to places I never thought it would. And it was so, so scary. I don't know why I want to talk about it on a somewhat public platform. I should forget it. Yet, at the same time, knowing that I got so close to doing something like this scares me. I have the ... ability (? Weird choice of words) to go there. And posting it here makes me feel like, someone will know. I don't know who, but maybe, maybe, someone will. I suppose I'm just seeking that minuscule chance that someone will. Why, though? I'm not sure. To feel less alone in this?
It felt like I was the jerkiest, most horrible person in the world. And that I needed to punish myself, to feel as much pain as I had inflicted on the ones around me.
I should honestly just forget about this. It's like, it's not even a good thing to remember.
Okay, maybe for relief, to get it out.
I typed out the crazy thoughts in my phone. I laid in bed thinking about it. I woke up in the morning and reached for the scissors and thought about it.
And thankfully, I didn't. Thinking about what my family would say if they saw anything. What I would think of myself for the rest of my life.
I mean, I tried, but thankfully it wasn't sharp enough.
Not a good idea. Never a good idea.
But I was supposed to be talking about the start of school, right?
Okay so, 4 modules and two part time jobs. Sounds not too bad considering the jobs are going to be around 18hrs a week ish... okay it sounds bad now.
What sucks, what will be lonely will be the fact that... I think I'm on my own this time.
Now that's just honestly a little insulting to J. Insinuating that he won't be able to provide any at all. But he has a stressful semester ahead, and I don't know how he deals with stress. I'm scared he won't handle it well. I'm not about to add to that with my little bouts of nonsense and stress. I hereby resolve (explicit speech act, hoho) to not bother him with my troubles. I must learn to handle them anyway.
Which leads to the fact that perhaps this time, I need to be the encourager, the supporter? Is this how this works?
WHICH I SUCK AT. I don't know how to encourage people beyond "頑張って you can do it!" It feels like everything I say will be useless. But I have to. I'm worried for him.
It's just a snowball rolling downhill from here, to be honest. I'm just going to worry out loud anyway. Even if it sounds ridiculous.
Sad and stressed person is sad and stressed.
Me tries to help but is ultimately of not much helps.
Stressed me is stressed.
There is no one to turn to.
Stressed me is more stressed.
Sad and stressed person is still sad and stressed.
Yeah, that makes no sense.
What is really lurking at the back of my mind is the word breakdown. I don't know if it's a communication breakdown or a mental breakdown. Definitely not MRT breakdown. Please no, not that last one.
Comms breakdown between persons - not good since it adds more stress.
Mental breakdown (who?) - also not good, because stress!
Hey, actually MRT breakdown also stress. Basically anything breakdown also stress la huh.
ANYWAY. IN PLAIN ENGLISH CUS I'M GETTING LONG WINDED.
I'm worried that if/when(?) the stress gets to either of us, things will go south.
I know I shouldn't ... be thinking like this. But I'm scared that I won't be able to handle the stress. The lack of communications. It's already bothering me now and school hasn't even begun full swing?
Maybe I'm just worrying in advance for nothing yet again.
This semester, though, I really need to be strong. Not fake strong, but real strong.
I can do this. It'll be alright.
I hope. ><
So starts the last year of university life. And what a start it is.
I messed things up so badly. I did so many wrong things. I hurt people close to me.
Putting rights aside, as in, 'the right to feel this way', my mind went to places I never thought it would. And it was so, so scary. I don't know why I want to talk about it on a somewhat public platform. I should forget it. Yet, at the same time, knowing that I got so close to doing something like this scares me. I have the ... ability (? Weird choice of words) to go there. And posting it here makes me feel like, someone will know. I don't know who, but maybe, maybe, someone will. I suppose I'm just seeking that minuscule chance that someone will. Why, though? I'm not sure. To feel less alone in this?
It felt like I was the jerkiest, most horrible person in the world. And that I needed to punish myself, to feel as much pain as I had inflicted on the ones around me.
I should honestly just forget about this. It's like, it's not even a good thing to remember.
Okay, maybe for relief, to get it out.
I typed out the crazy thoughts in my phone. I laid in bed thinking about it. I woke up in the morning and reached for the scissors and thought about it.
And thankfully, I didn't. Thinking about what my family would say if they saw anything. What I would think of myself for the rest of my life.
I mean, I tried, but thankfully it wasn't sharp enough.
Not a good idea. Never a good idea.
But I was supposed to be talking about the start of school, right?
Okay so, 4 modules and two part time jobs. Sounds not too bad considering the jobs are going to be around 18hrs a week ish... okay it sounds bad now.
What sucks, what will be lonely will be the fact that... I think I'm on my own this time.
Now that's just honestly a little insulting to J. Insinuating that he won't be able to provide any at all. But he has a stressful semester ahead, and I don't know how he deals with stress. I'm scared he won't handle it well. I'm not about to add to that with my little bouts of nonsense and stress. I hereby resolve (explicit speech act, hoho) to not bother him with my troubles. I must learn to handle them anyway.
Which leads to the fact that perhaps this time, I need to be the encourager, the supporter? Is this how this works?
WHICH I SUCK AT. I don't know how to encourage people beyond "頑張って you can do it!" It feels like everything I say will be useless. But I have to. I'm worried for him.
It's just a snowball rolling downhill from here, to be honest. I'm just going to worry out loud anyway. Even if it sounds ridiculous.
Sad and stressed person is sad and stressed.
Me tries to help but is ultimately of not much helps.
Stressed me is stressed.
There is no one to turn to.
Stressed me is more stressed.
Sad and stressed person is still sad and stressed.
Yeah, that makes no sense.
What is really lurking at the back of my mind is the word breakdown. I don't know if it's a communication breakdown or a mental breakdown. Definitely not MRT breakdown. Please no, not that last one.
Comms breakdown between persons - not good since it adds more stress.
Mental breakdown (who?) - also not good, because stress!
Hey, actually MRT breakdown also stress. Basically anything breakdown also stress la huh.
ANYWAY. IN PLAIN ENGLISH CUS I'M GETTING LONG WINDED.
I'm worried that if/when(?) the stress gets to either of us, things will go south.
I know I shouldn't ... be thinking like this. But I'm scared that I won't be able to handle the stress. The lack of communications. It's already bothering me now and school hasn't even begun full swing?
Maybe I'm just worrying in advance for nothing yet again.
This semester, though, I really need to be strong. Not fake strong, but real strong.
I can do this. It'll be alright.
I hope. ><
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