Feeling

I... I don't understand.

J told me his story - how he got to where he is today. I listened quietly. I didn't know what to say.

Because of that, I neglected to reply A's messages and he got understandably upset after finding out the reason why, so he ended the conversation.

I know I feel bad. But I don't feel it.

I always wonder if I'm secretly a hypochondriac. I really don't know.

The only thing I feel is tired, honestly. But I digress.

That... Blossoming of pain in the chest from sadness. The tiny hiccup and tears. I can barely feel it. I don't understand. This is something to be sad about, isn't it? After beating myself up so much over the situation with A...

I can still feel it a little, it's definitely there. I'm just... Why do I feel so little?

I wanted to tell J about the... Errr. Almost incident. But it might seem like I'm... Romanticising the act? Jumping on the bandwagon? I wanted him to know that I feel like shit. That I care lesser and lesser about things these days.

I wanted to tell him that I do cross the roads and wonder the same thing. I don't know if its the curiosity or what, but I know these thoughts have been there for so long. Yet... I'm a normal person, aren't I? I should appreciate it, be happy. Am I being attention-seeking?

I'm so sleepy. Fatigue is like the only thing I've felt this week.

But... I don't know. I wanted to tell him that I understand, or can empathise with how it feels to cry everyday because of adjustment issues with school. Because the damn code won't run. Because nothing makes sense. Whether he intended to downplay it or not... I suppose he was right. My experience, my tears and pain... Would've have been nothing compared to what he felt with java. And I had support. So... What...? Of course I'll come out of it fine, I suppose.

I wanted to tell him about the nights I stay up to imagine things with no happy endings. I wanted to feel some emotional connection.

All this brings me back to the night shit went down in this family. When everyone sat crying over the loss of trust in the family, crying over how things would never be the same again.

I don't think I was too young to understand. I knew what was going on.

I stood there and I remember thinking very clearly, i should feel sad, right? This is what happens on TV. I should be crying too. Why do I not feel sad?

I forced a tear or two out. I remember thinking, in TV, this is very sad. I should be sad.

But I wasn't. I just wanted to go back and sleep. I didn't care.

...

I don't understand.

I feel... Nothing at the moment? I don't get it? I don't get it.

But all the thoughts and images running through my mind...

It's normal. I'm sure it's normal. Stop being so melodramatic, for goodness sake.