月の下

Never thought I'd be the jealous type. But apparently, it runs through my veins. Every so often I picture him with someone - you know who. Everything was good, he said. And I feel like, it must have been the perfect relationship. She fitted him well, hell, she fit him exactly, I'm sure. I know this is just me making assumptions. Nothing is perfect. But that's what goes through my mind. She was there for him, she must have been amazing for him, and... I'm not. I don't even know to think if we fit together or not at all. Such different lifestyles. Different personalities. Different everything? Then comes the toxic part, comparison. Worst still, I know nothing of her so she's perfect in my mind. How do you win, or even feel good about yourself against a standard like that? That aside, I'm not even strong enough for this. I'm always in need of support. How can I support another when I'm still crumbling at my foundations? What kind of ridiculous par...

I... I don't understand. J told me his story - how he got to where he is today. I listened quietly. I didn't know what to say. Because of that, I neglected to reply A's messages and he got understandably upset after finding out the reason why, so he ended the conversation. I know I feel bad. But I don't feel it. I always wonder if I'm secretly a hypochondriac. I really don't know. The only thing I feel is tired, honestly. But I digress. That... Blossoming of pain in the chest from sadness. The tiny hiccup and tears. I can barely feel it. I don't understand. This is something to be sad about, isn't it? After beating myself up so much over the situation with A... I can still feel it a little, it's definitely there. I'm just... Why do I feel so little? I wanted to tell J about the... Errr. Almost incident. But it might seem like I'm... Romanticising the act? Jumping on the bandwagon? I wanted him to know that I feel like shit. That I car...

I'm in desperate need of a wake up call. The two tight slaps kind of wake up call. Whoever your friend so wishes to romantically consider is honestly none of your concern. So stop caring so much! Enough with the bloody mood swings, I'm so done with it. I don't want to care. I don't want to know and I don't want to care. But it's hard to draw the line and be all close and friendly without caring. I don't know. I'm tired, like physically tired. I don't want to care so much. I don't want to feel so moody. I also want to feel happy. Why is it so hard, oh wait, haha because I dug graves to lie into. Might as well make the grave as comfortable as possible, right? I know what emotion it is. But why am I feeling it? I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't at all. Im tired. So tired. Physically. I don't know. I want to be energised and happy. I want to be genuinely happy for him. Without all the damn salt. I'm so stupid.

Merciless. Heartless. Thoughtless. Cruel. Unappreciative. Disrespectful. Insensitive. What does it matter what I thought about the situation? I thought he was fine, but no, I was frankly stupid and wrong. I am all of them.

Gotta make this a fast one, since there's a crapton of things to do and I really can't afford to be distracted right now. But killing oneself?? Good goddess. I am a horrible  person. Hahaha. And like, I thought the scissors was bad. Boy oh boy. Stupid girl. Well, if he does end up going out with the girl, I'm sure it'll be much better for him. We're all living in pools of darkness aren't we.

The results for round 3's module registration isn't out yet. And I'm still fretting over which modules to take! This is horrible. It's horrible not only because I'm running out of time, but also because it's really a reflection of how inept I am at making decisions. Oh, speaking of... Which? It's not really a related topic, but I have a feeling that A's friend is... Y'know. Confession moment. Based on his blog. And I really shouldn't care as much as I am, but the feeling of losing the... Constant friendship is... It still kinda sucks no matter how wrong or whatever it is. I feel alone in my irrational fears and worries. J isn't going to entertain any of it, I'm sure, and I understand why he wouldn't. It's pretty silly, just pick one and be done with. Yet something as simple as that is so difficult for me to do. I can't pick. I'm so scared of regretting, of making the wrong choice. When did I become like this? When did I...

Heyho. So starts the last year of university life. And what a start it is. I messed things up so badly. I did so many wrong things. I hurt people close to me. Putting rights aside, as in, 'the right to feel this way', my mind went to places I never thought it would. And it was so, so scary. I don't know why I want to talk about it on a somewhat public platform. I should forget it. Yet, at the same time, knowing that I got so close to doing something like this scares me. I have  the ... ability (? Weird choice of words) to go there. And posting it here makes me feel like, someone will know. I don't know who, but maybe, maybe,  someone will. I suppose I'm just seeking that minuscule chance that someone will. Why, though? I'm not sure. To feel less alone in this? It felt like I was the jerkiest, most horrible person in the world. And that I needed to punish myself, to feel as much pain as I had inflicted on the ones around me. I should honestly just forge...