月の下

Because that's what this place really is, isn't it? The openness of the worldwide web, the illusion that someone may see this, yet without feeling like someone is keeping vigilance over my thoughts. It should be a good thing. That I have people caring about me and my thoughts. That people want to know that I'm okay. Yet knowing that she reads my blog just completely turned me off from writing there. It was supposed to be a safe space for me to pour out the darkest and most ridiculous thoughts without being... Made to explain myself, without being asked if I'm okay. I don't know why I don't want her to know. It always ends in a fight, in her lamenting how her life was so bad and how she tried her best so it's not her fault. I've never said it was. Yet my sister and I both hurt from the childhood fate bestowed upon us.  Maybe, as much as I think she needs to let go, I do too? I don't know. All I can understand is that I'm not happy with the current...

As usual, my title exaggerates. And writing here is quite likely to make me feel worse. But I need to try and deal with it, so here goes.  Our texting habits just don't match. Some days, I'm fine. Some days, I feel annoyed that he doesn't even acknowledge the text, then start thinking things like, oh he doesn't care enough to even respond to me.  Some days, like today, he doesn't ask or bother with how my day is going. And I get it, if I wanted to speak to him, or tell him, all I needed to do is send the first text. Nothing so hard about that, right? But there comes a point where it feels like I'm always the one sending the first text. I'm the only one who cares about his day. I'm always the first one to speak to him. I'm the only one who thinks and misses him.  And I'm feeling a little sick and tired of it.  This isn't a reflection of our real interactions, or his feelings towards me, hell no.  But... I can't help but feel that I'm j...

Just so this place isn't full of darkness and negativity - It's 1230am and my friends just left my house. I picked up my phone and saw a voice message from J. "Merry Christmas sweetie, I love you!" The sweetest, bestest message in Christmas day ^^. 

A mess of bad dreams and unsatisfying sleep. Sigh. I picked my phone to tell him, then remembered that I'm not supposed to till we meet.  So here I am.  Head is so so so tired from the dreams cus I tried to wake myself from them. Yikes.  Either way, I should get up.  I miss him already, but I must ensure. 

An exaggeration, surely. But I can't organise my cabinet stuff, the new shelf I bought doesn't fit, and I still feel like shit. I want to cheer up. I want to be energised.  What is going on. What am I not doing right? Why can't I do anything right. 

Today, I felt irritated at having plans pushed onto me. But a lovely, albeit tired, boy came to cheer me up. And I was cheered.  But he was tired. And home he went. And silent the day became.  Distance. I must endure, because I already had my fair share of time and attention today, so it's really only fair.  I tried to draw. It was torturous. It did not feel fun. Nor did it feel good. Nothing felt good after that. Nothing felt good tonight.  So I wrote in my diary. It was a mess.  I took a shower. I felt slightly better.  Then I laid in bed. Bad thoughts invaded my mind.  I read the otome story. It did nothing. Everything still feels bad.  There is still silence. I am still alone. Not physically, and... Not emotionally either. But I am alone. I feel alone. Everything is empty. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing.  I am tired of feeling like this. I am tired of feeling insecure. I am tired of feeling ignored. I hate being so sensitive. I hate it ...